Trump Announces First Manned Mission to the Sun

By Shawn

WASHINGTON, DC — On July 4th, President Trump announced an ambitious plan to put a man on the Sun by 2020. At a press conference held in the Rose Garden, Trump claimed his administration has drawn up plans to send a crewed mission, led by Jared Kushner, right into the heart of the Sun, where Kushner and the others astronauts will plant an American flag that will “shine like you’ve never seen.”

The President explained the mission as part of his ongoing project to assert American supremacy on both the terrestrial and extraterrestrial stage. “For too long, the Sun has been sitting up there, laughing at America,” Trump declared. “But when our guys punch a huge American spacecraft right into its big, stupid face, it’s not going to be laughing anymore. Believe me.”

Sources within the administration report that the proposed mission has been in the works for months. Behind the scenes, not every White House official is thrilled with the plan—some, such as Secretary of Defense James Mattis, have privately cautioned that it might wind up becoming another expensive boondoggle like the administration’s abortive venture to “subdue the sea.” In addition, a few protested the president’s insistence that the spaceship not use ordinary rocket fuel because “Coal, it has to be coal.”

But most are enthusiastically in favor, including Vice President Mike Pence. “Mike stands one hundred percent behind the President on this one,” explained a source close to the Vice President. “He’s pretty sure the Sun is where God lives. And he’s hoping the astronauts will be able to ask Him a few of Mike’s big questions, like why did God make gay people and is it really okay to poop? Repeated assurances to the contrary, Mike strongly suspects it’s a sin.”

Although the administration is publicly billing the audacious initiative as a demonstration of American greatness, a dozen anonymous sources claim that private motives underlie Trump’s decision as well. According to one source who describes himself as a friend of the president, Trump has a longstanding resentment of the Sun that has been festering for some time.

“I first noticed it one time we were out golfing together,” this friend said. “The Sun seemed to be getting in his eyes a bit as he was lining up a putt. He kept trying to reposition himself, and he was doing a lot of looking up and grimacing. As this was going on, I could hear him muttering things at the Sun, like, ‘Oh, I’ll get you for this.’ The way he said it, you knew he meant it.”

The President seemed to lend credence to this assessment in a pair of tweets lashing out at the Sun:

Responding to the President’s tweets, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) claimed that Democrats weren’t trying to “defend the Sun, whatever that means,” but that they did object to spending millions of dollars just to send astronauts to a fiery death. The fiery death point is much disputed by Republicans, including Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who insists the Sun is not nearly as hot as scientists keep saying it is, and, anyway, “there’s only one way to find out.”

No doubt the controversy is likely to continue, and the mainstream media is getting in on the act. The New York Times is purportedly working on an in-depth investigation into what white working-class Americans think about the Sun and how warm it is. Democrats need to reach out to those voters if they’re to have any hope of retaking the House of Representatives in 2018.

 

If You Give a Politician $5…

By Shawn

 

Whenever I donate to political campaigns, I’m impressed by the relentlessness of their e-mail follow-up. Within a matter of days, my inbox is deluged by e-mails, trying every conceivable tack, in every conceivable emotional register, to elicit just one more small donation. Since I enjoy receiving these so much, I thought I’d share a few.

 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: GREAT NEWS!!
 

Dear Shawn,

President Donald Trump just SHAT HIMSELF, because AN OUTLIER POLL shows that SENATOR POLITICIAN is AHEAD of his rivals! Imagine it, TASTE the sweet feeling of Senator Politician lapping up President Trump’s glowing orange tears. Mmm, his DELICIOUS SADNESS is EXQUISITE, is it not? Don’t you want to ensure this GLORIOUS FUTURE comes to pass?!?

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: TERRIBLE NEWS!!

 

Dear Shawn,

Congressman PAUL RYAN must be laughing his butt off, because Republicans just ran a DESPICABLE ad claiming that I am actually HITLER’S DOG BLONDI. I won’t lie to you, Shawn—they made a $40 MILLION ad buy, and we’re in desperate need of cash to respond. Unless we can raise $3 BILLION to run an ad explaining I am not the GERMAN SHEPHERD of a MASS-MURDERER, we’re in serious trouble! PLEASE help us!

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: I Need Some Money for the Bus
 

Dear Shawn,

We’re e-mailing on behalf of Senator Politician because… Well, this is a little embarrassing, but Senator Politician took a bus out to one of his campaign events and forgot to bring enough cash for a bus ticket back. We swear, this never happens to Senator Politician—he’s usually very responsible. But if you could help him out this one time so he can get home, it would be a big help. Please. Just a few bucks. Please.

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: holy fucking shit
 

holy fucking shit oh my fucking god it’s a goddamn emergency the only thing that can stop the dawn of the fourth fucking reich is your donation please it’s so bad we wouldn’t ask if we weren’t literally all going to die but we’re all going to die unless oh my god you wouldn’t happen to have five dollars or so would you holy fuck that would be awesome give it to us now right now oh my sweet fucking jesus in the name of the virgin mother hurry up the end of freedom is goddamn fucking nigh

–senator-fucking-politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: Here’s a Riddle—What Has Five Dollars and So Far Has Done Nothing to Advance the Cause of Freedom Today?
 

Hint: It’s you, bitch.

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
 

Shawn,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: PAUL RYAN HAS ALMOST COMPLETED THE TESSERACT
 

Shawn,

Following his successful siege of Ironforge Keep, Congressman PAUL RYAN has all but one of the pieces he needs to complete THE TESSERACT. No one knows the TRUE POWER of the ancient artifact, but it will doubtlessly grant PAUL RYAN the dark energies he needs to transform MEDICAID into BLOCK GRANTS. The last piece rests at Castle Valor, where SENATOR POLITICIAN has assembled a motley crew of HEROES determined to hold out against RYAN at all costs! The cause looks hopeless, their future bleak, unless…!

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: Hey.
 

Hey Shawn,

Listen, we need to talk. A month ago, when I received $5 from you, I was pretty excited. My aides and I were all like, “Whoa, who’s the new guy?” Hell, it’s a little embarrassing to admit, but after that first donation, I was thinking about you a lot. Like, I’d be trying to focus on legislating, but I’d find my thoughts drifting, and… well, you get the picture.

But now it’s been a month, and nothing from you. No calls to my staffers, no small donations, nothing. I’m like, what happened here, you know? It seemed like things were off to such a good start.

Have you… have you been donating to other campaigns? It’s the special election in Georgia, isn’t it? You’ve been giving money to that little hussy in GA-06! I thought our election was special to you! WELL I GUESS I WAS WRONG. Why am I even RUNNING when you don’t give a shit?! Maybe I’ll drop out! Yeah, fuck it, maybe I’ll just drop out and to hell with our party controlling the Senate! Would you like THAT? Do I have your attention NOW?

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: Your MOTHER is ALMOST DEAD
 

Shawn,

Congressman PAUL RYAN is currently in your house CHOKING YOUR MOTHER. At this very moment, RYAN’s hands are tightening around YOUR MOTHER’s neck, his lips twisted in a cruel smile. “Time to answer the question, what if Atlas strangled?” the wicked Speaker of the House chortles. His laughter builds as your mother struggles for breath, already anticipating the pleasure he will take in her final, desperate convulsions. SENATOR POLITICIAN looks on in horror. “If only I had $5!” our hero thinks. “Then I’d have the power I need to save her…”

Best,

Senator Politician

 

I Know It’s a Little Late to be Asking This, But—Could Anyone Tell Me What “Schools” Is?

By Betsy DeVos (and Shawn)

Hi, America, it’s me, Betsy DeVos. I’ve recently been nominated by President Donald Trump to serve as Secretary of Education. I couldn’t be more honored, and I hope I’ll be confirmed by the Senate on Tuesday. But before I tackle my new job, I was wondering—is there anyone out there who could tell me what “schools” is?

I keep hearing this term, and I’m getting the sense that it might be important to whatever it is I’ll be doing. What’s most troubling is, the way people keep saying it at me, it’s almost like they expect me to already know what it means somehow.

For example, at my confirmation hearing, one of the senators kept asking me things like, “Do you believe schools should be taking a proficiency-based or a growth-based approach?” I managed to deflect the question pretty well by saying something like, “Uh huh, yeah, ‘schools.’” But in my head, I was thinking, “What is this guy talking about? Are they really allowed to just make up words like that?” And I was pretty angry for a while.

But then I started to suspect that it was a real word, because I kept hearing it on the news. I’d be watching CNN, and the anchor would be like, “Betsy DeVos burble burble SCHOOLS.” After the sixth or seventh time this happened, it dawned on me that I had a real problem on my hands.

When the kids don’t know something, they’re always using the Internet, so I thought I’d try that. I looked up Google’s address and wrote them a letter, in which I very politely asked, “Please, oh Google, what is schools?” So far, they haven’t responded. Maybe it’s my router? I’m not much of a tech whiz.

If I don’t get to the bottom of this, I’m worried it could affect my job performance. The other day someone was asking how schools should handle sexual education. And I gave what I thought was a pretty measured response, which is that sexual education is something the children should learn from department store mannequins as God intended. The questioner looked at me bug-eyed, and I thought, “Oh no, I didn’t use the word ‘schools’ in my response.” So then I yelled “Schools!!”, but she only stared harder. I’m not sure if I wasn’t loud enough, or if I waited too long, or what.

I guess things aren’t as simple as they used to be. When I was a kid, education had nothing to do with “schools.” My parents gave me a broken abacus and “Jesus Loves Businesses” coloring book, and those things, plus a department store mannequin, taught me everything I needed to know. But I’ve got to be Secretary of Education for the children of the 21st Century, and that’s apparently going to involve this schools in some capacity, however limited. So please, America, fill me in—you seemed happy to explain to Ben Carson what is house, and it’s only fair you do the same for me.

 

Trump Pick to Head NASA Proves Controversial

By Shawn

WASHINGTON – This morning, President-elect Donald J. Trump announced the nomination of Dr. Steven Ixxxzyx to head NASA, a surprise move that has caught both his supporters and critics off-guard. A figure little known to the Washington establishment, Mr. Trump claims that Dr. Ixxxzyx will bring a fresh outsider’s perspective to an agency that has become overly preoccupied with partisan, political issues, such as climate change.

Insiders close to the transition team say that Dr. Ixxxzyx was not among the initial list of candidates to lead the agency, but Mr. Trump began hearing the name chanted quietly at night as he attempted to fall asleep. Becoming increasingly interested in “this guy I keep hearing about,” Mr. Trump had his team locate Dr. Ixxxzyx and arrange a meeting.

Over a sumptuous dinner at Jean Georges, Dr. Ixxxzyx reportedly impressed Mr. Trump with repetitive, guttural bleatings of “O great one, I will serve you,” convincing the president-elect that he would demonstrate the degree of loyalty Mr. Trump expects from his appointees.

Trump dines with man who is clearly not an alien.
Mr. Trump (left) and Dr. Ixxxzyx dining at Jean Georges. The president-elect reportedly enjoyed a bowl of garlic soup, while Dr. Ixxxzyx ordered several courses of “Snails, more SNAILS!!”

Dr. Ixxxzyx, who holds a degree in “Human Science” from the University of [Untranslatable Cacophony], expressed his eagerness to take on the job in a press conference held earlier today. “Am grateful to foolish orange hair-beast. Can now proceed to Phase Two. Praise be to local deities and country,” the doctor told reporters.

At the conference, Dr. Ixxxzyx also forcefully rebutted concerns that he lacks the qualifications to succeed in the position. “Am much qualified. Am not member of dying race wanting to survive by mating with humans. Will make no hybrids to conquer anything.”

If confirmed, Dr. Ixxxzyx plans to steer the agency away from its recent emphasis on unmanned exploration, focusing instead on missions crewed via a country-wide search for “nubile” candidates with “ovaries unblemished.”

While many agree that NASA is due for shake-up, a number of critics question Dr. Ixxxzyx’s ability to serve as an effective director. “The guy’s a fucking alien,” said Senate Minority Leader Charles E. Schumer (D-NY). “I mean, he’s wearing a fake mustache, but it’s still really, really obvious. What is even happening anymore?”

Although most ranking Democrats are opposed to Dr. Ixxxzyx’s nomination, they admit they are unlikely to put up much of a fight. “Honestly, we’ve got to pick our battles, what with Rex Tillerson, Jeff Sessions, and Steve Mnuchin coming down the pike,” said one Democratic source. “This is… we’re probably just gonna have to let this one slide.”