United Kingdom Divided Over Craigxit

By Shawn

Yesterday saw another set of salvos exchanged in the ongoing public debate over the secession of actor Daniel Craig, or “Craigxit,” as it is popularly known. Following the surprising outcome of a March referendum in which the forty-nine-year-old movie star declared himself a sovereign microstate, British politicians are divided over how to implement the Craigxit vote and its significance for Craig’s future relations with the United Kingdom.

“Craigxit means Craigxit,” declared Conservative Prime Minister Theresa May in a speech to the House of Commons. May had been in favor of the latest actor to portray James Bond remaining a part of the United Kingdom, but has promised to respect his decision. “It is time to come together and forge a new, deep and special relationship with Daniel.”

May is not the only “Remain” politician to have reconciled herself to the referendum results. Craig was invited to address Parliament in the wake of the vote, and he managed to win over a number of Tories with a dramatic reading of his poem, “I Know a Place Where the Daniels Are Free.”

“It changed me,” said Defence Secretary Michael Fallon. “I hadn’t wanted an independent Craiglandia. But at one point during his address, Daniel Craig looked me right in the eye, just as he was reciting the line, ‘They have made me a James in Bonds,’ and it shook me to the core. I love Daniel, but we have to let him go. It’s what he wants.”

This sentiment was been echoed by Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party, who had campaigned half-heartedly for Craig to stay and has now taken to reassuring the British public that they will still have Timothy Dalton.

Yet others, such as First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon, remain staunchly opposed. “Scotland voted to remain a part of the United Kingdom in the expectation that Daniel Craig would still be a part of it,” Sturgeon asserted. “Casino Royale was very popular up here. If Daniel is permitted to leave, then I pledge to seek a second referendum on Scottish independence, a third if we lose the second, and a fourth just to drive home the point. Needless to say, if we go, we are taking Sean Connery with us.”

The only person eligible to vote in the Craigxit referendum, Craig himself remains adamant that the outcome must be respected. “Daniel Craig must have liberty,” the actor proclaimed. “Daniel Craig must reassert control over his borders. Daniel Craig will use the tax money he saves and a couple of syringes he found to start his own National Health Service.”

At this time, Craig has begun work on a makeshift Capitol Building outside Westminster Abbey, and is currently soliciting cardboard and metal scraps from sympathetic members of the public.

A Beginner’s Guide to Accidentally Alarming Your Spouse

By Ann

What you will need:

  • A profound level of exhaustion
  • A series of disconcerting decisions
  • Your unsuspecting spouse

 

Steps:

  1. Get home after long hard day.
  2. Immediately retreat to bedroom.
  3. In your hurry to get into bed, forget to turn on lights.
  4. Set yourself up with a heating pad and prepare to watch TV.
  5. Be so tired, forget to turn on heating pad.
  6. Sit there so long the sun sets and now you’re in the dark.
  7. Hope your Amazon firestick crashes right as spouse comes in to check on you.
  8. Spouse finds you sitting in the dark, lying on an unplugged heating pad, staring at blank TV screen.
  9. Mission accomplished.