If You Give a Politician $5…

By Shawn

 

Whenever I donate to political campaigns, I’m impressed by the relentlessness of their e-mail follow-up. Within a matter of days, my inbox is deluged by e-mails, trying every conceivable tack, in every conceivable emotional register, to elicit just one more small donation. Since I enjoy receiving these so much, I thought I’d share a few.

 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: GREAT NEWS!!
 

Dear Shawn,

President Donald Trump just SHAT HIMSELF, because AN OUTLIER POLL shows that SENATOR POLITICIAN is AHEAD of his rivals! Imagine it, TASTE the sweet feeling of Senator Politician lapping up President Trump’s glowing orange tears. Mmm, his DELICIOUS SADNESS is EXQUISITE, is it not? Don’t you want to ensure this GLORIOUS FUTURE comes to pass?!?

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: TERRIBLE NEWS!!

 

Dear Shawn,

Congressman PAUL RYAN must be laughing his butt off, because Republicans just ran a DESPICABLE ad claiming that I am actually HITLER’S DOG BLONDI. I won’t lie to you, Shawn—they made a $40 MILLION ad buy, and we’re in desperate need of cash to respond. Unless we can raise $3 BILLION to run an ad explaining I am not the GERMAN SHEPHERD of a MASS-MURDERER, we’re in serious trouble! PLEASE help us!

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: I Need Some Money for the Bus
 

Dear Shawn,

We’re e-mailing on behalf of Senator Politician because… Well, this is a little embarrassing, but Senator Politician took a bus out to one of his campaign events and forgot to bring enough cash for a bus ticket back. We swear, this never happens to Senator Politician—he’s usually very responsible. But if you could help him out this one time so he can get home, it would be a big help. Please. Just a few bucks. Please.

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: holy fucking shit
 

holy fucking shit oh my fucking god it’s a goddamn emergency the only thing that can stop the dawn of the fourth fucking reich is your donation please it’s so bad we wouldn’t ask if we weren’t literally all going to die but we’re all going to die unless oh my god you wouldn’t happen to have five dollars or so would you holy fuck that would be awesome give it to us now right now oh my sweet fucking jesus in the name of the virgin mother hurry up the end of freedom is goddamn fucking nigh

–senator-fucking-politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: Here’s a Riddle—What Has Five Dollars and So Far Has Done Nothing to Advance the Cause of Freedom Today?
 

Hint: It’s you, bitch.

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
 

Shawn,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: PAUL RYAN HAS ALMOST COMPLETED THE TESSERACT
 

Shawn,

Following his successful siege of Ironforge Keep, Congressman PAUL RYAN has all but one of the pieces he needs to complete THE TESSERACT. No one knows the TRUE POWER of the ancient artifact, but it will doubtlessly grant PAUL RYAN the dark energies he needs to transform MEDICAID into BLOCK GRANTS. The last piece rests at Castle Valor, where SENATOR POLITICIAN has assembled a motley crew of HEROES determined to hold out against RYAN at all costs! The cause looks hopeless, their future bleak, unless…!

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: Hey.
 

Hey Shawn,

Listen, we need to talk. A month ago, when I received $5 from you, I was pretty excited. My aides and I were all like, “Whoa, who’s the new guy?” Hell, it’s a little embarrassing to admit, but after that first donation, I was thinking about you a lot. Like, I’d be trying to focus on legislating, but I’d find my thoughts drifting, and… well, you get the picture.

But now it’s been a month, and nothing from you. No calls to my staffers, no small donations, nothing. I’m like, what happened here, you know? It seemed like things were off to such a good start.

Have you… have you been donating to other campaigns? It’s the special election in Georgia, isn’t it? You’ve been giving money to that little hussy in GA-06! I thought our election was special to you! WELL I GUESS I WAS WRONG. Why am I even RUNNING when you don’t give a shit?! Maybe I’ll drop out! Yeah, fuck it, maybe I’ll just drop out and to hell with our party controlling the Senate! Would you like THAT? Do I have your attention NOW?

–Senator Politician

 


 

To: Shawn Friar
From: Senator Politician

Subject: Your MOTHER is ALMOST DEAD
 

Shawn,

Congressman PAUL RYAN is currently in your house CHOKING YOUR MOTHER. At this very moment, RYAN’s hands are tightening around YOUR MOTHER’s neck, his lips twisted in a cruel smile. “Time to answer the question, what if Atlas strangled?” the wicked Speaker of the House chortles. His laughter builds as your mother struggles for breath, already anticipating the pleasure he will take in her final, desperate convulsions. SENATOR POLITICIAN looks on in horror. “If only I had $5!” our hero thinks. “Then I’d have the power I need to save her…”

Best,

Senator Politician

 

Houses Fix Themselves, Right?

By Ann

A couple weeks ago, our thermostat broke.

I noticed when it got really cold.

My husband also noticed when he got home from work, and it was really cold.

Him: Sweetie, I think there’s something wrong with the thermostat.

Me: Oh, yeah. It’s broken.

Him: What do you mean it’s broken? Did you put new batteries in it?

Me: Yeah. And they didn’t work, so…

Him: So… were you going to do anything about this?

Me: I mean, I put on a sweater.

Him: No. If the thermostat’s broken, we need to get it fixed, right?

Me: Oh. Right.

Him: Because that’s what normal people do. When things break.

Me: Right, right.

Then, we called out the repair person, and I had another conversation with eerily similar themes…

RP: I see the problem! See this battery plate? It’s caked over with some residue, so the new batteries aren’t able to transfer the charge. I’ll just clean that off, and it should be good as new! (Cleans it off. Thermostat turns on.) Yep, there we go! Good as—hold up, what’s this? (Thermostat’s numbers glitch out so that it’s impossible to read.)

Me: Oh, yeah, no worries, it’s been like that.

RP: What? How long have you been using it like this?

Me: Not that long. Just, um… a few…

RP: Days?

Me: No…

RP: Weeks?

Me: Months. Several months.

RP: Are you serious? How can you even read this screen?

Me: Well, you can’t really. But see that half a number that shows through there? If you look at that, you can kind of guess.

RP:

Me: And then, if you get it wrong, you can definitely tell in an hour or two.

RP: Um.

Me: Because boy does it get uncomfortable. You know?

RP: Right. That’s because your thermostat is broken.

Me: I see.

RP: It’s been broken for several months.

Me: I see.

RP: You need a new thermostat. Because I can’t do anything with this.

Me: I see.

The good news is we got a new thermostat. So problem solved, right?

But then, a couple days later, my husband is looking out the window…

Him: Hey, is there something lying on the ground over there?

Me: Hmm? Oh, yeah. That’s been there.

Him: What is it?

Me: I dunno. I guess a piece of the house.

Him: A piece of the house.

Me: I assume so.

Him: How long has that been there?!

Me: I dunno. At least a couple…

Him: Days?

Me: Um. No…

Him: GODDAMMIT, SWEETIE.

It occurs to me, there might be some sort of trend here.