Handy Mnemonic Devices

By Shawn

1.) righty, tighty; lefty, loosey (turning screws)

2.) ROY G. BIV (colors of the rainbow)

3.) my very excellent mother just sent us nine pizzas (planets of the solar system, plus Pluto)

4.) churches have steeples, it’s wrong to eat peoples (cannibalism)

5.) i before e, except after c (spelling rule)

6.) leaves of three, let it be (poison ivy)

7.) om nom nom so right it’s wrong (cannibalism)

8.) never eat shredded wheat (cardinal directions)

9.) thirty days hath September … (days in a month)

10.) don’t keep a second refrigerator filled with children (storage tip)

Haikus to My Ineptitude

By Ann

Because, as we know,

Being a grown up is hard.

Harder when you’re dumb…

If I could count the

Countless times I found too late

My shirt was backwards.


Out of socks again.

I could simply do laundry,

But we know I won’t.


Now I work from home.

What is this so-called sunlight

Others talk about?


Cookies for dinner

Is not a healthy choice, but

Nothing can stop me.


Yet another plant

Gifted to me, so unwise,

Soon I will kill you.


Don’t judge me, Netflix.

Of course I am still watching.

You know this damn well.


I cannot get up.

There is a cat upon me.

Yes, a good excuse.

Titles for Unsettling and/or Deeply Alienating Children’s Books

By Shawn

  1. Sigmund Freud And Our Dynamic
  2. Just Who Is Mommy Really?
  3. The Lobster That Was Not Anthropomorphic
  4. A Beginner’s Guide To College Debt
  5. Where The Wild Things Aren’t, Because It’s Boring There
  6. Daddy Will Someday Grow Frail
  7. Under The Bed?: The Real Monsters Are Inside You
  8. The Stork That Takes Returns
  9. Never Trust a Turtle
  10. Goodnight, Ozone Layer
  11. Where’s Waldo?: My God, He’s Right Behind You
  12. Strange Hugs
  13. Blood on the Inside, Blood on the Outside
  14. The Very Emotionally Hungry Caterpillar
  15. What’s It All About, Werner Herzog?
  16. Newer Baby Is Best
  17. So You’ve Decided To Live
  18. Are You My Mommy? 2: “Nope,” Says Everything
  19. Richard Scarry’s Big Book of Regicides
  20. Oh Boy Let’s Sort The Mail

Spring Fashion Trend Report!

By Ann

Hey there, fashionistas! You may recall that I’m something of a fashion expert. Well, I’ve got the inside scoop for you, as relayed straight from my recommended Facebook ads.

That’s right, folks! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and society’s got some weird ideas about what you need to put on your body. It’s time for a spring fashion report!

Brace yourself, because this hot, new trend is going to take your breath away. Literally.

Intrigued? Tired of breathing anyway? I sure hope so, because the latest 2017 trend is…

Reduce 4 inches off your waist within 30 days! A woman in a bikini. That same woman wearing a corset.

OH FUCKING BOY, CORSETS!!

But wait, you may ask yourself, didn’t we already do that one? And wasn’t it terrible?

Yes to both! But nothing says fashion like a retro trend everyone forgot for a reason. Time to bring Victorian back, bitchlets!

Victorian in a corset, looking sassy. It reads, "YASSSSS! GET IT GURL"

Don’t take it from me. Take it from Waistshaperz.com!

The waist training practice came to prominence in Victorian times. Wearing a waist cinching corset, exercising and eating a healthy diet can radically reduce your waist size; instantly giving you a beautiful sexy silhouette while permanently getting rid of unwanted inches around your waist.

WaistShaperz high quality reshaping waist shaper is a unique latex material which attacks unwanted fat and impurities within your body. The thermogenisis created within your body will allow your body to rid itself of harsh toxins and impurities, through perspiration. The tight compression will help to reduce food volume intake which will help achieve the healthier practice of smaller meals…

I’m not sure I understand the exact mechanics of how latex is supposed to attack unwanted fat, but Waistshaperz said this corset would cleanse me of “impurities” not once but twice—and threw in a misspelled version of the word “thermogenesis” to boot, so that sounds like science to me!

Now, just to be clear, if you really want to try to lose weight while sweating, it might be more efficient to, you know, exercise. And, heck, if you’re specifically intent on holding your body in an uncomfortable position for so long that it starts to quake and attack your sweat glands, I hear good things about yoga.

HOWEVER. If you want to slim down your waist, but you don’t want to risk being seen as one of those unseemly sporting women, gallivanting about in their new-fangled trousers—why then, corsets have got you covered! You don’t have to go jogging, lift weights, or come within a fifty-foot radius of those trouser-wearing trollops! (Because some of us bitches are tryna stay marriageable up in here, you know?) All you’ve gotta do is shove some crap out of your waist’s way—and there’s no easier way to do that than to squeeze your silly, stubborn body into an ever-tightening vice!

That’s just science.

Before and after of a womans organs, having been crushed by a corset. Reads, "YASSSSS! GET IT SCIENCE"

Besides, if you insist on keeping ALL of your organs in their original places, let’s face it—you’re being inflexible. Your insides need to keep up with the times. What could go wrong?

Except that you might completely debilitate your body to the point that you can’t even sit upright. But when has that ever happened?

Victorian with such a tiny corseted waist that she cant sit up on her own.

Hmm.

Well, okay, that might happen. But you’ll be so hot, you won’t even need to sit up. Men are going to take care of that fine ass all the way up until you’re, say, 35 and your looks start to go. Don’t worry, though, if you snag a good one, he won’t abandon you. He’ll just convince everyone you’re hysterical and lock you in an attic to live out the rest of your days. Free room and board, though, so close enough—amirite?!

Man tightening dismayed Victorian womans corset for her. Reads, "YASSSSS! Get it patriarchy"

Happy Women’s History month, fashionistas!

Oh, and if you really want to be a trendsetter, look ahead to the next retro craze, sure to pop up in fall 2017: footcrusherz.com.

What do you need walking for anyway? If you’ve been training your waist properly, you already won’t be able to stand!