The War on Men; or, You’re Right, Equality is for Idiots

By Ann

I just read a lovely opinion piece on the Fox News website. Perhaps some of you have already seen it. It’s called, “The War on Men” by Suzanne Venker. I’ll include a link below in case you’d like to take a look yourself.

Before you do, a warning: if you dive into this article unprepared, it may make you want to dropkick the illustrious Ms. Venker right in her lady bits. Yet, that would be to overlook Ms. Venker’s insight: all that rage you’re feeling is just a product of bra-burning feminists overheating your lady-brain with their fancy talk. Let’s slow down, breathe deep, and try to benefit from Ms. Venker’s profound wisdom together.

Ms. Venker begins her groundbreaking masterpiece by calling attention to the decreasing number of men who are looking to marry. In her research, Ms. Venker found that when asked why marriage has become less appealing, a certain “subculture” of men respond: “Women aren’t women anymore.”

A few paragraphs down you get the additional treat of reading, “But what if the dearth of good men, and ongoing battle of the sexes, is – hold on to your seats – women’s fault?”

My first response was: No, bitch, you hold on to your seat, because I’m about to slap you out of it six ways to Sunday.

But then I got to the heart of the piece. I’m not paraphrasing this. Here it is verbatim:

Contrary to what feminists like Hanna Rosin, author of The End of Men, say, the so-called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off. It has also undermined their ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families – it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.

It’s all so unfortunate – for women, not men. Feminism serves men very well: they can have sex at hello and even live with their girlfriends with no responsibilities whatsoever.

… Yep. Those words were written in 2012, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, at first glance, Ms. Venker’s argument might seem wildly offensive. And when she goes on to explain how a woman is sinning against nature if she has a college degree and a career, you realize that at second glance, third glance, and dare I say fourth, it’s not just wildly offensive—it’s a mother-flippin’ catastrophe.

But at FIFTH glance, it becomes obvious that Ms. Venker is on to something. She does make several excellent points here.

Right off the bat, Ms. Venker hits it on the nose: Feminism (a.k.a. that pesky little movement supporting equality) has been nothing but a travesty for women. First of all, it is universally acknowledged that no one wants to be equal. Everyone hates equality. Which is why the United States still has a monarchy. And slavery. Every day we’re thankful we didn’t abolish either of those things. Or let those whiny minorities vote. Because, boy howdy, nothing says the Land of the Free like soul-crushing oppression.

Furthermore, as to the point of men getting to have sex with more women these days, again, Ms. Venker, I must applaud you. They really bamboozled us there. After all, it is impossible that women might also enjoy having sex. Thanks to the Victorians, everyone knows that a woman with a sex drive is suffering from an unnatural illness. Fortunately, her freaky-deaky sexy-time disease can be diagnosed and treated in one of the following three ways: (1) her clitoris is oversized and must be removed via the 100% pain-free practice of female circumcision, (2) the devil is inside her and must be removed via the 100% legit practice of exorcism, or (3) the devil is inside her clitoris and both must be removed simultaneously by screaming Latin while stabbing at her hoo-ha with a scapula.

Oh, and that last bit about men getting to live with their girlfriends without having to be the sole provider… Right again! Sweet Jesus, that’s the worst. You mean men and women now have the freedom to choose the balance that makes sense for them, instead of being crushed by society for deviating from gender roles? No wonder men are so “angry” with the situation.

Hell, I’d be pissed too if someone told me I got to have more sex and work less.

But not to worry, friends, the all-knowing Ms. Venker has a solution for us:

“Fortunately, there is good news: women have the power to turn everything around. All they have to do is surrender to their nature – their femininity – and let men surrender to theirs.

“If they do, marriageable men will come out of the woodwork.”

Boy, I gotta tell ya, I’m with her. I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I for one am fed up with trying to work in a man’s world all the time when estrogen makes my thinky-thing so stupid and sleepy. Every time I try to do my job, my uterus gets all tingly and sends sad feelings into my woman-heart.  Then, all the while, I’m busy worrying if my hair looks okay. Even now, I’m staring at it so much it’s hard to finish writing this paragraph! Femininity is some distracting shit, you know?

Plus, I can’t wait to get my soft, delicate hands on one of these “marriageable men” Ms. Venker keeps talking about. I thought I was happy with my boyfriend who loves me the way I am. But now I realize that all I need is a guy who thinks I’m no woman unless I give up the power to choose what’s important to me. Mmm, sweet, delicious lack of agency… My uterus will be so relieved.

In case you want to view it in all its glory, the article can be found here:

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/11/24/war-on-men/

Great opinion piece, Fox. I suggest you follow it up with, “The War on White People.”

Update from 2014:

Oh, wait:

http://radio.foxnews.com/2014/08/08/are-democrats-waging-a-raging-war-on-white-people/

GREAT JOB, FOX.

Tumblr Memes, I Will Conquer You, Pt. 2

By Shawn

I wrote a post a while back, titled Tumblr Memes, I Will Conquer You, in which I tried start a Tumblr meme of my own. At the time, I thought I had found the winning formula for Tumblr meme success:

animals or celebrities + whatever the hell = winning at the Internet

Unfortunately, the Tumblr this produced, Squirrels with Awesome Facial Hair, failed to take off for some reason. Possibly part of the problem was that I only posted three images and then decided I didn’t care anymore.  But I think the real issue is that I was working off of a bad formula. After some reflection and soul-searching, I’ve decided to revise it extensively. Now it goes:

animals AND celebrities + whatever the hell = winning at the Internet

So let’s give this thing another whirl, this time using hedgehogs, Beatrix Potter drawings, and crazed German filmmaker Werner Herzog.

Without further ado, I give you Werner Hedgehog:

Werner Hedgehog memes: "I believe the common denominator of the Universe is not harmony, but chaos, hostility, and murder."

 Werner Hedgehog memes: "Do you not then hear this horrible scream all around you that people call silence?"

 Werner Hedgehog memes: "I have the impression that the images that surround us today are worn out, they are abused and useless and exhausted."

More at the link:  http://wernerhedgehog.tumblr.com/