Organization Seeking Entry-Level

By Ann

Did I mention I’m looking for jobs right now? Sometimes, this is what that feels like:

Organization Seeking Entry-Level Administrative Assistant

Are you up for a challenge? Our organization is seeking a motivated, self-starter to serve in an entry-level administrative assistant role.

Posting Date: Today.

Start Date: Yesterday. Your application is now late.

Responsibilities:

– Answer the phone and man the front desk

– Perform administrative organizational tasks

– Maintain all databases with up-to-date information

– Manage organization’s online presence

– Write and design daily newsletter

– E-mail that daily newsletter to everyone we have ever worked with in any capacity

– Print out that daily newsletter and mail a hard copy to those same people

– Find those people, go up to them individually, and ask, “Hey, did you get that newsletter I sent you?”

– If they seem evasive, narrow your eyes and say, “I know you got it. Go back and read it. Carefully.”

– They probably won’t. But that’s why God invented stalking. Get to it.

– Additional responsibilities include: graphic design, video production, coding our website, doing our laundry, cooking our meals, and dancing without pants for the CEO’s entertainment.

Location:

We have offices in Washington, DC; New York, NY; Seattle, Washington; and throughout Mexico. The ideal candidate will be able to travel between all of the above and also to Narnia, where he or she will be expected to end the endless winter. Travel will not be reimbursed.

 Qualifications:

– Ability to work minimum of 70 hours per week, as well as nights and weekends as required, without notice, consideration, or reasonable compensation.

– High-level proficiency with Microsoft Office; Adobe Creative Suite; Video editing software including Final Cut Pro, iMovie, and all the other programs we can’t be bothered to look up at the moment, but will hold you accountable for; Coding expertise in HTML, XML, CSS, TEI, XQL, DFQUIBBLY, FIZZBOT, and RTTTRRTTTRRRRRRR

– 10-15 years professional experience as an entry-level administrative assistant

– A Bachelor’s Degree in a related field

– An additional Bachelor’s Degree in an unrelated field to show your varied interests

– A Masters in Marine Biology because most of us like fish

– A PhD in Comparative Literature (a published dissertation reflecting on The Tale of Genji’s cross-cultural influence is PREFERRED, but not required)

– A positive attitude and basic lack of self-respect is a must. If you come in with daddy issues, we can get you the rest of the way.

Compensation:

Nothing. Go kill yourself.