What He Doesn’t Need To Know…

By Ann

Oh, hi again, Cosmo. It’s me, Ann. You know that I occasionally have a bone or two to pick with you. Well, that’s all water under the bridge now because I was flipping through your March 2012 issue the other day and stumbled upon some relationship advice that has changed my life.

How? I’ll tell you how. You see, there’s an article in this issue entitled, “Shhh. What He Doesn’t Need to Know.”  In this article you advocate three relationship-saving secrets that every woman should keep from her man in order to remain “alluring”:

Tip #1: Don’t tell him what you do on nights apart.

“Maybe you’re just hanging out with the girls, but for all he knows, you’re out having crazy adventures… If you’re in a new relationship, be vague about going out. And if he asks you outright about your plans, you can even be a bit coy. Say, ‘Oh, wouldn’t you like to know, but I look forward to seeing you later,’ and leave it at that.”

Good point, Cosmo. If he knew what you were really doing, he might figure out the kinds of activities you enjoy. No good can come from that kind of tedious oversharing. Here’s how I imagine this tip working in practice:

Guy: Hey, had a good night hanging out with my friend, Tom. We should find some time for you to meet him and the rest of my old high school friends. They said they wanted to get to know you now that we’ve been dating for awhile. What did you get up to tonight?

Girl: Wouldn’t you like to know? 😉

Guy: Yeah, that’s why I asked. Did you wind up going to trivia night like you mentioned?

Girl: Mayyyyyybe. 😉

Guy: So… you didn’t go?

Girl: Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. 😉

Guy: No, but seriously. What did you do tonight?

Girl: Lol, nice try, John. You’ll never know. 😉

Guy: …Are you cheating on me?

Girl: 😀

Tip #2: Hide your cool skills and special abilities so that you can surprise him with them at random moments.

“‘Continually pulling out secret talents or knowledge keeps him at the edge of his seat,’ says Murray [a relationship expert]… Perhaps you’ve been taking an online Spanish class. Keep it quiet, plan a date at a Mexican restaurant, and blow him away when you order in Spanish.”

Another good point, Cosmo. After all, there’s nothing sexier than ducking his attempts to get to know you. It’s even better if he thinks he does and then finds out he’s wrong. For example:

Guy: So, I’m still concerned you might be cheating on me, but I can’t get an answer one way or the other from you so I guess it must be fine.

Girl: It might be. Or it might not. 😉

Guy: Well, que sera sera.

Girl: That phrase is silly. The words are Spanish, but the grammar is wrong.

Guy: What? You don’t speak Spanish. I speak Spanish. I asked you if you did and you said you took Latin in high school.

Girl: I lied. I speak seven languages. (Proceeds to give sample of each)

Guy: What? Wow. Now we really have to take a trip to Europe sometime. With your command of all those languages, it’s a shame you’ve never been out of the country.

Girl: I lied about that, too. I’ve been to almost every country. The ravioli I’m about to serve us for dinner? I learned that recipe in Bologna.

Guy: But you said you couldn’t cook!

Girl: Also a lie.

Guy: But you just let me order a pizza for us. You said you didn’t have any food in the house for dinner.

Girl: I know. Are you impressed with me yet?

Guy: What? No. What’s happening? …Are you an international spy who’s cheating on me?

Girl: 😀

Tip #3: Never reveal your insecurities.

“As soon as you hint to your S.O. that you’re not feeling your best, it diminishes your appearance of being sexy and in charge, and it makes him suddenly see you as a work in progress—neither of which is going to ignite a lusty inferno in your relationship.”

Yes, that makes good sense, too. Of course, he will interpret your honesty as a sign of weakness. Why didn’t I see it all before? Why share the occasional moment of vulnerability that could bring you together when, instead, you could maintain the terrifying façade of a relentless superhuman who has no feelings? Ultimately, I see this as the cherry on top of the mystery sundae:

Guy: Listen, Laura, we really need to talk. I’m starting to feel a little depressed that you might be an international spy who is cheating on me.

Girl: I can’t relate to that.

Guy: What? You’ve never been depressed?

Girl: I have no emotions. I have no weakness. I exude only mystery and allure.

Guy: Seriously? You’ve never felt sad?

Girl: Wouldn’t you like to know? Too bad you never will because my plane for Russia leaves in forty-five minutes. Hmm, time’s getting tight. I’ll have to fly my roof helicopter to the airport. Did you know that I can fly helicopters? Did you know that I had one on the roof? You do now. Or do you? Take nothing for granted. What if it’s all another lie? What’s real, John? Am I real, John? Are you? Can you prove that this relationship ever happened?  Maybe you’re in the Matrix right now.

Guy: Sweet Jesus, are you a cyborg as well as an international spy who is cheating on me?

Girl: Yes. No. Maybe. Probably. Definitely. Never. BOOM. MINDFUCK. IS OUR LOVE A LUSTY INFERNO YET?

Yes, that all sounds about right.

Why have trust when you could trick your unsuspecting partner into thinking you’re a Cyborg Carmen Sandiego who runs around the world boning everyone but him?

And he thought all he wanted was an intimate honest connection? That idiot. You and Cosmo will show him, all right.

How My Id Persuades Me to Do Stupid Things

By Shawn

At Burger King, an intense internal deliberation begins.

Shawn: Hmm… Should I just get a Whopper?

Shawn’s Id: That’s not gonna be enough, is it?

Shawn: What, you think I should get a Double Whopper?

Id: Please. Try to think big here.

Shawn: A Triple Whopper? You can’t be serious.

Id: I’m dead serious.

Shawn: But the Triple Whopper is a disgusting meat pile. It contains over 1100 calories and my entire daily fat intake.

Id: You only live once.

Shawn: And I was kinda hoping to keep doing it for a while.

Id: Look, whether or not that sandwich would hasten your death is besides the point.

Shawn: Objection.

Id: Overruled. The real question you should be asking yourself is, what would former WWF wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage do?

Shawn: Why is that the relevant metric?

Id: Proposition 1. Macho Man Randy Savage is completely awesome.

Shawn: Agreed.

Id: Proposition 2. Anything someone completely awesome does or would do is awesome by extension.

Shawn: Alright.

Id: Proposition 3. Less awesome things become more awesome when they act in awesome ways.

Shawn: Sure.

Id: Proposition 4. You are less awesome than Macho Man Randy Savage.

Shawn: Granted.

Id: Proposition 5. You would be more awesome if you did whatever Macho Man Randy Savage would do.

Shawn: I think I see where this is going.

Id: Conclusion. You ought to do whatever Macho Man Randy Savage would do in any situation whatsoever all the time always.

Shawn: I guess that is the relevant metric.

Id: And what would Randy Savage do if he were here?

Shawn: He’d scream manly nonsense, I imagine.

Id: And amidst his manly gibbering, what  sandwich would he bellow for?

Shawn: The Triple Whopper.

Id: Which means you should order…?

Shawn: Sigh. Fine. A Triple Whopper it is.

Id: Attaboy!

Shawn: … Didn’t Macho Man Randy Savage die of a heart attack?

Id: Maybe. Shut up and eat your hamburger.