Haikus in Honor of Comcast

By Shawn

 

Hello, I need help.

My internet doesn’t work.

Right. Yes, I can hold.

 

Hi. Good, how are you?

Yes, my internet is out.

It’s been out all day.

 

Reset the router?

Okay, I’ll give it a try.

No, that didn’t do it.

 

Reset it again?

Okay, but I just did that.

Guess what? Still broken.

 

Which light do you mean?

At the top of the router?

Still orange like before.

 

I reset it twice.

We know now that does not help.

Any other thoughts?

 

It’s orange. It’s still orange.

It’s going to stay orange unless

you try something else.

 

I won’t reset it.

Third time is not the charm here.

Check things on your end.

 

Okay, fine, I’ll hold.

… Hi there. My account is what?

Why can’t you find it?

 

Huh? Transfer me where?

No, I’m in Connecticut.

My phone number’s just–

 

I’m on a cellphone.

It’s a Maryland number,

but I’m living here.

 

No, I’m not lying.

Yes, I have the same address.

I’d know if I moved.

 

Well, that’s pretty odd,

’cause you’ve been mailing me bills.

Ah, great, you’ve found it.

 

Still orange. You know why?

Because nothing has happened

here that would change that.

 

What? No, of course not.

I don’t have a spare router.

Why would I have that?

 

I WON’T RESET IT.

Please have a new idea,

I am begging you.

 

Oh, for the love of–

ORANGE. THE COLOR OF FAILURE.

TIME WON’T MAKE IT GREEN.

 

Okay, look, can you–

Can you send someone out here?

Yes, I would like that.

 

My address? But I–

I thought we just sorted that–

What? But… Fine, I’ll hold.

Pop Songs as Sonnets #3: LMFAO – Sexy and I Know It

By Shawn

Yea when I walk on by a maiden fair,
I feel her blushing gaze doth follow me,
And rest upon my ample derriere,
Which clad in an’mal print much tempteth she.
I’m in a Speedo tryin’ t’ tan my cheeks
And every passing lass is on me soon.
I know it is my codpiece that they seek,
For I have passion in my pantaloons.
O wench I bid thee look upon that body—
The normal rules of sexy it doth flout.
Aye, thou wilt quite agree it be not shoddy;
I’ll have thee know ’tis ’cause I oft work out.
I’m proud of my great rump and would fain show it.
I tell thee, maid, I’m comely and I know it.

Buying on the Internet

By Ann

I have a problem that I need to confess. It involves purchasing products on the internet. See, I don’t buy many things. I can’t. Because I’m young and poor as heck. So, when I do make the rare decision to purchase a product on the internet I carefully weigh all sorts of responsible concerns, “Is this worth the money? Do I really need it? Etc, etc.”

The one question I always forget to ask is, “What are the product’s dimensions?” Because who cares, right? It seems like, if you’re buying a cell phone, it will wind up being roughly cell phone-sized and if you’re buying a watch, it will wind up being roughly watch-sized. So what’s the difference?

I’ll tell you what the difference is.

A few years ago, my old cell phone broke. Luckily for me, it was time for a free replacement courtesy of Verizon. Merrily, I logged onto their website and picked out a phone. It met the two requirements I have for any phone I get: (1) it was free, and (2) it was red. This was enough for me.

Then it arrived in the mail, and I had a very disconcerting realization.

No, seriously. I want you to look at this picture, and tell me what you see.

img_0009

This is my phone, and that is a pack of gum. WHY ARE THEY THE SAME SIZE?! WHY IS MY PHONE THE SIZE OF A PACK OF GUM?! Look at this. Just look at it.

img_0011

Seething with quiet rage, I vowed never again to forget to check dimensions before buying.

Then, I promptly forgot that resolution.

Recently, I used some Christmas money to buy myself a new watch online. It arrived in the mail.

And here it is:

img_0002

My watch is the size of Asia. You can read this watch from fifteen feet away. I could return it, but I know me. I know I’m too lazy to do that. So, instead, I’ll probably just keep wearing it around and pretend like I did it on purpose. Because nothing says fashion statement like strapping Big Ben to your wrist and talking into a phone the size of a Barbie accessory.

Sometimes I get away with this kind of thing, though. Like the time when I couldn’t decide between two differently colored laces that came with a new pair of sneakers. Instead of choosing, I just wore a different color in each shoe, hoping that I would eventually make up my mind between the two. Instead, I forgot all about it until I would get the occasional compliment on my hipster-like style:

“Two different color laces—that’s cool, very hipster of you!”

“Why, yes, thanks, you’ll note that I did that on purpose,” I’d say convincingly,

Probably I should be learning from this latest Big Ben debacle. More likely, I’ll keep forgetting to check dimensions on products until I have an entire closet of accessories that appear to have been sized in a fun-house mirror. I can only hope these will come to gradually redefine my style into what can only be described as misguided Japanese street fashion meets the Mad Hatter.

Note: I wrote this post in January. I post it today in honor of the retirement of the phone in question. Dear little phone, in spite of your stupid tiny size, you served me honorably and to the best of your limited abilities for four years. But now that your battery’s dead, it’s time to say good night. So I got an iphone instead. You’ll be happy to know, however, that after growing accustomed to you for the past four years, this normal-sized phone feels too large in my hand. Thanks a bundle, gum-phone, you’ve ruined me. On the plus side, it’s red and white, so it’s going to match my dumb Asia watch.